RELATIONSHIPS

Posted August 18th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
I keep finding myself in quite strange relationships. It is not love... it feels like obsession. Quite often, it feels awful! I never know what will happen next and I'm getting more and more unhappy with myself. Why do I do this to myself, and what is this all about?
Kelly H., 27

Dear Kelly,

Why would some women continuously get themselves into relationships that don't bring anything but pain? Why are some of us habitual drama-seekers, consciously or unconsciously creating melodramatic experiences that are so plainly detrimental to our lives? Yes, it feels awful... but, it's never dull. Let's consider the nature of these dramatic experiences. First of all, many real life experiences are painfully dramatic:

Illness

Accidents

Loss of employment

Divorce

Many other experiences are joyfully dramatic:

Major professional achievements

The birth of a child

Weddings

All of these contain heightened emotions and feelings of increased aliveness. Unlike these dramatic events of our lives, the kind of drama we concern ourselves with here are MELODRAMATIC. The best example of melodrama out there is soap operas: exaggerated reactions, constant crisis, excessive emotions, constant frustration, and thrill. Some dramas, whether deliberately or unconsciously created, are extreme and self-destructive, while others are more subtle. The cumulative effects of either are equally destructive.

One of the most tragic aspects of dramatic living is that we are often unconscious of our part in creating it. It feels that our troubles and problems are out of control. We find ourselves as the helpless victim. If you suspect that living in drama is part of your life, you would probably like to know the origin of all of this drama. First, we must understand that the drive to seek various novel and complex sensations, emotions, and experiences through reasonable risk is healthy. However, for cultural reasons, many of us (especially women) learn to get involved in particular destructive "thrill" - a self-defeating drama that exhausts our energy, decreases our self-esteem and personal power, and keeps us disconnected from our deepest feelings. Instead of dealing with the pain that lays at the root of our poor self-concept, or our current life situations (deteriorating intimacy, unfulfilling relationships, meaningless jobs, etc.), we create melodrama, which conceals any possible insight. Not only this, but one of the most damaging consequences of this drama is that the conflicts and crisis prevent us from lasting intimacy in relationships. So the problem is two-fold! Another issue, the gradual decline in self-concept, affects all areas of our lives, including our careers.

In a nutshell, a life of drama is painful and self-defeating. It brings us excitement, but eventually leads to a greater agony. Do we have to choose? Does life have to be "good, but boring" OR "bad, but exciting"? Not at all. To reiterate, we all have needs for excitement. The question is: can we have it in a way that increases our self-esteem, leads to empowerment and self-actualization? When we learn to transform drama into healthy excitement, our whole image changes; our energy will increase, our self-concept and personal power will be strengthened, our 'care' feelings will be accessible, the intimacy in our relationships will have space to develop. You're probably asking, "how do I get that?"

As usual, you probably already know the main steps: take responsibility for your life and actions, learn about your past and own it, forgive yourself and everyone else in your life, regardless of whether or not they deserve it, live in the moment, be aware and be grateful that you're here!

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
In one of your workshops, you mentioned the concept of mirroring in our lives.
"The world is our mirror."
Can you elaborate on that? It sounded interesting, but we didn't get to discuss it.
Yours,
Dana R.

Dear Dana,

The concept of the world being our mirror is a very popular and intriguing one. As George Bernard Shaw once said: "The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror, in which you can see a noble image of yourself." If we accept the concept that we create our own reality, the external world can be a giant mirror which reflects what we believe about ourselves and others. The mirror concept suggests that all of life is a mirror, and by looking into the mirror of life, we can learn about ourselves. Understood in this way, the world can show us aspects of ourselves that we can't see directly. The world around us, people, things, places, and events; they're all mirrors. It shows you who you are. In your work, in your relationships, everywhere around you. Your actions cause results, and you can measure yourself based on those results. But many ask... "What if I don't like what I see?"

The good news is, you create it, so you can change it. In self-help oriented, short-term counseling, we can be guided to foster change - change which affects our core belief system, our self-concept. This self-concept is our biggest rival in the world, as well as our best representative. Life is a creative journey when viewed from this perspective; we can learn from the reflection of our lives, we can use it to heal emotional wounds and core beliefs that keep us in the same self-defeating or limiting patterns. If you find yourself wishing to change your world - externally and internally - notice that the most important (and available) key to that change is to understand what we feel and believe is a direct reflection in the outside world. Using the mirror concept, we can use our entire experience in life to learn about ourselves. Each and every area of life acts as a mirror to aspects of ourselves:

relationships, marriage, and family

career and professional choices

social and political involvements

religious and spiritual experiences

fun, recreation, etc.

Quite often, the area of ourselves that is calling for our exploration is the one we feel "stuck" and "entangled" in the most. When we put our conscious effort into uncovering the unconscious and deep meanings to the events around us, we learn to free ourselves from the things we find ourselves stuck in. As we continue to grow through conscious effort, we will see that everything around us is changing, mirroring the very changes we make from within.

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
In the September issue of Cosmopolitan, there was an article titled "Have you lived before?", in which Denise Lanctot (the author) suggested that an answer to a current crisis may lie in a past life, and that exploring that past life may bring a resolution to that crisis. Do you believe in past lives?
Sincerely,
Lisa R.

Dear Lisa,

The growing phenomenon of exploring the past, as well as its overwhelming success in helping people resolve "unfinished dramas of the soul" are well-researched and documented facts. The importance of exploring past lives is that they hold the key to unlock doors that have kept the person a prisoner of painful choices and emotions. It is believed that these long-ago experiences influence the choices, feelings, and behavior that limit a person from reaching their full potential in this lifetime. By unlocking the doors of the past, a person can benefit during their current life in many ways. It is a common belief now that there are no accidents, the cause of all problems that we face can be discovered in our past - significant experiences in this lifetime that may have their roots in others that came before. Here are just a few problems that I have witnessed to correspond to a past life:

Depression and fatigue: past memories of unfinished grieving, loss, and separation

Phobias and fears: unresolved traumas, death by fire, water, etc.

Eating disorders, manifesting as obesity or just the inability to maintain weight: memories of deprivation or starvation

Difficulties in relationships: different "distribution of power" in which sex roles were reversed

Chronic physical problems (sometimes with detectable psychological cause, sometimes without). Past life therapy often relieves chronic pain conditions and headaches.

Financial insecurity

Sexual difficulties

Accidents

All these things can be traced to past life traumas and relieved in therapy. In 1980, psychotherapists and researches who were interested in Time Altering Therapies even created an association for past life research and related therapies. We have our annual conventions, with a wide range of very interesting workshops and lectures.

Finally, do I believe in past lives? Well, as a psychotherapist, I am concerned with helping my clients better themselves and release their issues. I tell my clients that it really does not matter whether they believe in past life or not, for time altering therapies to be effective. The beneficial emotional and physical results are produced through these therapies. Do you believe in past life as a literal or symbolic phenomenon? I believe Dr. Roger Woolger said it best:

"Some days, I believe in past life, some days I think about it as a metaphor. But it works! Past life therapy works real life miracles in my current life, and this is the reason I use it."

Love,
Miriam

P.S - Personally, in my opinion, I believe past lives are more than just metaphors.

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
I'm in my second marriage and this is even worse than my first! I can't understand why (and how) I keep getting the same kinds of problem; money fights again and again and again!
MarieLou, 37

Dear MarieLou,

Let's talk about the most explosive mix in every relationship: Love and money. What is it that makes the fights about money so painful and bitter? Why do fights about money issues turn into emotional volcanoes, regardless of what we're righting about: unpaid bills, irresponsible spending, losing a job, or gambling? According to Dr. Fernard, "our behavior around money is not some disembodied psychological oddity. It is a reflection of... whole personality style, especially the style of loving." Now, you can ask the question: Can money conflicts be resolved by financial management? Let's see together: Are money fights simply about money? In my experience, financial solutions to not resolve the emotional issues that are at the real core of relationship problems (that then manifest themselves as money fights). One of the issues is that many relationship problems do not have a tangible equivalent, so we use money.

It seems easier to fight about money than it is to resolve the real pains and problems in significant relationships. Is it easier? Yes! Is it productive? No. Let me list several powerful demons that can sabotage our life and love:

Self deprivation

Living in debt

Compulsive spending

Compulsive gambling

Enabling money

Sabotaging personal and professional success

Having "bag lady" syndrome

All of them can be used as windows to our core, worked through, and used to help bring us to the light of self-acceptance and love. Then, we will stop (or greatly diminish) self-destructive behavior.

I hope this is an insightful initial look as to how we manifest our daily issues by not taking care of the ones at our core.

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
My friend was living with her boyfriend in what everyone believed to be a committed relationship for the last couple years. He could not make up his mind about marrying her. Finally, my friend chose to leave him. Guess what? In a year, the guy was married to a "stranger", a lady out of time who he met during his business workshop, just after the split. It seems to me like a very unfair choice. What is wrong with these guys?

Sincerely,
Gladys W.

Dear Gladys,
It is quite difficult to come up with a reasonable analysis of such complicated situations, like interpersonal relationships, and in particular, figure out a proper "crisis intervention" on such a sketchy description (in other words, I can't assess your friend's situation without every little detail). However, let me discuss several related things we can consider on the topic: What are men looking for? It can all boil down to this quote; "I was looking for a co-pilot, not a passenger." This came from a men's survey, conducted by writer Susan Curin Kelly. The top three reasons for a long-term commitment (such as marriage) according to that survey are:

Love and friendship

Companionship

Sexual fulfillment

In other words, what men were saying is: I'm looking for a best friend, a trustworthy and loyal partner, with whom I can have awesome sex. Interesting, isn't it? Men's answers simply don't coincide with what women believe men are looking for in a future wife, which, according to women are:

Physical beauty (including breast size and ideal weight)

Willingness to abandon, or at least postpone her career for raising a family

Willingness to do house work

Common background (religious and/or socioeconomic)

Talk about self-imposed limitations! If we want to understand these "intimate strangers", why don't we consider their point of view? "I wanted a best friend, a great lover, and a trusting companion. I found it, and now she's my wife." So far, so good. However, he could be everything you want; a great guy, a wonderful match... but, you and he do not have the same timing.

Pressures and timing may be very different for men and women, we all know this. But, keep in mind that there are many emotionally healthy and available men who are ready, able, and (boy-oh-boy, are they!) ready to commit! "Is it true," most bewildered women find themselves asking me, "that there are some men who just will not commit?" Yes. There are some men who, for one reason or another, fall into that category (non-committers). But these things aren't just limited to love life, and these signs are easy to spot. Would you be willing to start a business partnership with a partner like this? It is clearly dangerous to push anybody into a commitment, especially if a person is not ready. It often backfires and can destroy a relationship forever. In my opinion, it is not always, or even primarily "the committers vs. the non-committers". We should be aware that women can also possess negative patterns or unresolved problems that can send eligible and emotionally available men running. We, too, should be ready for an honest self-assessment, constantly increasing our self-awareness and willingness to grow.

Live and own your life first. Then, you'll find someone to share it with sooner than you think!

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
You probably get this question all the time: Why are men the way they are?
Anonymous

First of all, this question is asked by every woman in their lives, at one time or another. For any woman who has wondered: "Why is my man the way he is?" I would suggest to think about the fact that the current trend women seem to be following is that they focus on the "symptoms" of a man's behavior, rather than on an understanding of the roots of the problems that contemporary men are struggling with. Dr. Loren Pedersen points out in his excellent book, Dark Hearts, "Masculinity has left it's imprint if not it's footprint on science and philosophy in its attempt to study everything but itself." Did you ever wonder why?

In light of what is stated above, I want to suggest that you imagine yourself as a man. Usually, women have no idea what it is like to grow up as a man in the Western cultures. We are very angry at men because we assume that growing up as a male is the same as growing up as a female, plus the privileges and perks that females don't get. Let's look at these assumptions a little closer; One of the problems of our culture is that both, men and women, are trained to see each other as very different than themselves - alien, incomprehensible. "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." This isn't exactly true...

Every human being is androgynous. That simply means that each of us carries physical parts of the opposite sex with us, and (yes!!) experiences the same emotions. Unfortunately, we are taught to believe (and perceive) differently. The majority of women are trained not to see that a man experiences the same emotions as a woman (even if they rationalize them differently). As girls, we were taught that men are supposed to be in charge, even if we have clearly seen that this isn't always the case. Boys were taught the same thing. Now, let's imagine a man who believes he's supposed to be in charge, but does not know how (because his experiences never actually taught him that!). He is in a relationship with a woman who is wondering the same. He cannot tell her he has no idea what to do.

There are two main reasons for this: First, he does not necessarily even understand the situation himself. (Remember: to go through experience does not necessarily mean to be conscious, to understand the meaning of it.) Second, even if he has some glimpses of his difficulties, he does not believe he is entitled to be understood: he does not believe she will make an attempt to understand. And - you know what? - he is probably right most of the time.

Again and again, women do not seem to believe that men experience the same emotions as they. They are not aloof, uncaring, cold, heartless "jerks". They just behave the way they are taught and are expected to behave. And all this makes them very insecure and often depressed. Try to suspend your ideas that men have all the privileges, power, and control. In many ways, they do: courts, corporations, politics, etc. But, all of this is external power. They pay a high price for these privileges; a man has to prove he has all these powers:

Taller (greater strength with which to protect);

Richer (greater wealth with which to protect);

Older (greater wisdom with which to guide);

Braver (greater willingness to risk everything for his woman or beliefs);

And this is hardly the whole list! He constantly has to prove he is all these things (including taller!). Can you imagine that? Constantly.

As a result, men suffer extensively from stress and related illnesses. And (hooray!) begin to be conscious about all of these cultural "privileges", and we therapists have the privilege of seeing more and more male clients. Of course, it is all changing, but how about our every-day lives? Try to imagine being your man. And then listen. Listen carefully and you probably will see exactly why he is the way he is.

Love and Blessings,
Miriam

Posted August 16th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
TV or no TV? How we spend our time together became the focus of mine and my husband's constant disagreement. Even coming home after work is becoming a disappointment.
Julia K.

Dear Julia,

You'll probably be surprised to know that countless couples passionately debate this TV issue: He watches and likes TV, it is his relaxation time. She doesn't watch and criticizes it as a waste of time, time that could be spent together. Conflicts about leisure time may give us a wide open and new view of the vast differences between sexes. Men and women. Different. Intimate strangers. Why? Some popular theories come from the assumption that because a woman is the primary caregiver in infancy, boys and girls will be forever different. Men will develop an opposition to a mother, while women identify with mothers. This is a primary reason why men and women perceive the world differently and react accordingly.

Dr. John Gray (New York Times best-selling author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and several other books on "the art of loving an alien being") says that the key to maintaining a successful relationship lies in understanding and accepting our differences. We need to be aware of the fact that men and women have different emotional needs, they communicate differently, cope with stress differently... maybe, instead of fighting it, we could try to appreciate our differences. This will open the opportunity of respectful(!) negotiations. We will be able to choose not to follow the road leading from intimate strangers to intimate enemies in our relationships. Often, the road less travelled is the one that leads you to an intimate friendship!

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 16th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
I feel quite odd writing this letter. You probably don't receive a lot of letters from men. But, I want to express something that I am sure a lot of us wonder about: Where is the woman I fell for? How has something that started out so great turned into a loveless (and sexless) marriage?
B.G., 34, Married 6 (LONG) years...

Dear B.G.,
Let us talk about love, sex, and communication. "Where is the woman I feel for? What happened to the woman I loved?" Essentially, you both cry, "You're not what I expected!" After many, many hours of counseling couples (both, married and unmarried), I am still amused that in almost every case, both man and woman are looking for the same intimate connection and love, but don't see it. Why do we not see that our partners have the same needs and desires as we? Because the natural ways of going about meeting these needs are quite different. You're probably too familiar with the old cliché "for a woman to feel sex, she needs love. For a man to feel love, he needs sex." Did you ever wonder why that is? To summarize; for women, the primary way of connecting is through sharing and communication. For men, the primary way of connecting is through action and creation; thus, making love.

It would take too much time to explore why and how these differences come to be, but we can all see that times have changed. The traditional methods of relation that we've learned from our parents are now counterproductive. Our parents couldn't teach us "new rules", because that generation still played out the traditional male and female roles. We need to learn these "new rules" of relation, rules that define new roles! A husband who "brings home the bacon", or a wife who maintains a nice home and takes care of the kids - these things are no longer enough to create a lasting, fulfilling relationship. There is a new way to understand and communicate that offers a way of creating and sustaining loving and fulfilling relationships; we can celebrate our differences in love and with love. It is much easier and much more enjoyable than to live in a loveless home.

In the words of Dr. Viscott, "The best of all things is to belong to a family. To come home... and simply be let in, to be each other's."

Love and Blessings,
Miriam

Posted August 16th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
When he looked at me, I felt we had known each other forever.
When our eyes met, it was like we were one person.
It was a miracle!
April, 21

Dear April,

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal. We just know it will last forever. We believe that through this magic, we are exempt from the problems that other people have. We are definitely free from the odds that our love will eventually die. We know that we are destined to live happily ever after. But when that magic recedes... with our finest and most loving intentions, the romantic stage of love is destined to end. And then, to continue on the path of love, we need to find a personal meaning in our relationship, as well as the ability to appreciate our significant other for what he is (without a demand for him to change). To continue on the path of love, we need to know who we are. We have to figure this out, because we are limited in our understanding of other people by what we know and accept about ourselves. To continue on the path of love, eventually we must confront two other essential life questions: Where am I going, and with whom?

We need to do this because when our personal goals are blocked or we are focused only on the “with whom” (the right partner syndrome), we become attracted and infatuated, but easily detached. Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, was referring to "real love" when he said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." Coincidentally, the new field of psychoneurosexuality - defined as the study of the relationship among brain, mind, immune system, and the sexual system - asserts that a loving, monogamous, sexual relationship is the ultimate foundation for health and well-being. It allows a healing connection to our self, another person, the present moment, and a sensual awareness of our body as well as the body of another. This enhances intimate bonding, which is a biologically and genetically necessary prerequisite for human health.

Haven't we known this all along - that to love and be loved brings a special meaning to our lives? Now, this new sophisticated science confirms the biological power of shared meaning; it shows us that our love life may court health or disease, that the power of a loving connection heals our lives and our bodies. Sometimes, it is difficult to remember, but it remains true that miracles of love can occur anywhere, at any moment. When someone shows that they care, when years of indifference or resentment disappear in a simple act of compassionate understanding, when we are changed by a simple act of love - these are miracles. The very next time you need a miracle, don't wait for it to happen. Expect it to happen! You have the power to create it - in love!

Love,
Miriam

Posted August 16th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
I am 28 years old and am in a committed relationship, but I am not completely sure if this is "real love" or just a romantic infatuation...
MC.

Dear MC,

It is not always easy to know quickly enough in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, some guidelines can be offered. Margaret Anderson, who was a well-known publisher, once said that "in real love, you want the other's good. In romantic love, you want the other person." In other words, romantic love has an element of sexual excitement. When you are together, it usually ends in intimacy. True love is not based on sex. It is the growth of friendship which makes sex so much more meaningful and, if you will, blissful. Passion does not have the confidence and trust that love has. Love is trust. You feel calm and secure. You feel connected.

Passion might involve you in things you may regret, but love will never lead you in the wrong direction. True love brings the best out of you; it elevates you, it lifts you, and you become better for it. Romantic love, passion, and infatuation have their ebb and flow, their ups and downs. We commonly refer to these experiences as "falling in love". Dr. Gray's notion that true love has it's seasons seems very relevant here. In 'spring', we feel we will be blissfully happy forever. This resembles romantic love. Everything seems perfect, effortless, and harmonious. The difference comes in the 'summer' of love. In this time, we suddenly realize that we are not happy all the time. We realize that our beloved is human (not some God or Goddess). It is not what we believed love was like. We realize we need to put effort into a relationship. And this is the hard work of self-discovery, expanding our awareness and practicing self-discipline.

Following the notion of the "seasons of love", we can say that 'autumn' of love brings both, the harvest of understanding and acceptance (of yourself and of your partner). This is a time of joy and fulfillment of mature love. And then, the 'winter' of love comes. Feeling secure in our primary relationship, we - all of the sudden - experience our unresolved pain. This is the time of personal growth, when we need to re-experience and embrace the pains and "necessary losses" of life. This is when we need to work on our personal growth. After healing ourselves through the 'winter' of love, we emerge once more into the 'spring' of love, with new hopes and new possibilities. Once the new springtime of love comes, we find ourselves ready to open our hearts once more to the blessings of life, to a successful relationship with ourselves and our partner; You will continue to grow in love.

Love and blessings on your journey,
Miriam

Posted August 15th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
I am 28 years old, married 6 years and considering separation. I am out of love and miserable and many of my girlfriends share the same misery... I am so discouraged. Why do we marry?
Yours,
Lena

Dear Lena,
Given current divorce statistics and the personal suffering involved, it is really a good question: Why do we marry? How many of us have heard (or said, ourselves), "It was love at first sight. He looked like my father... and something about him reminded me of my mother." This summarizes the unconscious recognition we often experience when we meet a potential significant other. With some exceptions, this is the reason for the beginning (and often the end) of most relationships. The subconscious cause for getting married is to recapture the unconditional acceptance of early childhood. This is a fantasy!

It will never happen again... however, we know through instinct and internalization of social order (which says we can not stay with our mothers forever), that the possibility to be loved comes from our love partner. Marriage is the pot of gold at the end of childhood's rainbow - it is a social reward for letting go of our mother. In a thousand different ways, society sends messages that we must find another love object. With each new birthday, mother does less and less for us. At each new withdrawal of mother's overwhelming power, we resist. If grown up means being alone, who needs it?

We all do. Growing and realizing our potential is an undeniable urge. But, growth can be quite painful. When we resist growth within a marriage, it usually comes to fights over who will take care of whom, who will give in, and other baby stuff. At first, it happens to practically everyone, but many of us are just unable to pass this stage (one of the reasons for this is our unresolved and repressed childhood traumas). The conscious people who are consciously able to choose marriage as the path of growth (personal and as a couple) are the ones who get past the tough spots and grow together. Each spouse becomes a stronger individual and learns that life is love. But love is not romance. Love is a feeling (of course!) and a decision, and a commitment. And while feelings can ebb and flow, we may (consciously) choose to be true to our decisions and commitments, if and when we choose marriage as our journey together.

Love,
Miriam